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Here are some jokes. We hope they don't offend too much.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
Barrack Obama and Sarah Palin were sitting next to each other on a plane. Obama, believing Palin to be not that bright, thought he could make some easy money by tricking her into playing a game.
He told her, "If I ask you a question, and you don't know the answer to it, then you pay me five dollars. If I don't know the answer to one of your questions, I'll pay you five hundred dollars!
Palin agreed and Obama began the game by asking, "How many miles is it from the Sun to Jupiter?"
Not knowing the answer, Palin paid him five dollars.
Then Palin asked Obama," What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?
After long hours of researching and consulting everyone he knew... Obama finally gave up and paid the five hundred dollars to Palin.
Then Obama asked, "So...what's the answer? What goes up the hill with three legs and comes down with four?
Palin handed him five dollars.
The memories of an elderly couple had been declining over the years, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days later, the old man was outside telling his neighbour about how much the class had helped him.
"What is the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbour.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see, "the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" replied the neighbour.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
I bought a deodorant stick today.
I'd never used one before, so I read the instructions.
They said "Remove top and slowly push up bottom"
I'm in Casualty at the moment...
A man is stuck on the M60 in traffic when a policeman knocks on his window.
Man: "Whats going on?"
Policeman: "Some frustrated customers have kidnapped a bunch of bankers and are going to douse them in petrol and set them alight unless they get £1 million ransom. I am going from car to car taking a collection."
Man: "How much is everyone giving on average?"
Policeman: "About a gallon."
Alright, here's one from the USA:
A lobbyist on his way home from his office in Crawford, Texas, is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: "Officer, what’s the hold-up?" The policeman replies: "Former President Bush is so depressed he's stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says everyone believes he and his political and business associates caused the recession. So we're taking up a collection for him." The lobbyist asks: "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies: "About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning."
I went to an ATM to withdraw £200 cash. The ATM said that there was insufficient funds. I don't know if it's me or the bank.
The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car has been repossessed.
Treasury announcement: “We regret that due to Government cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel is to be switched off”.
What's the difference between the ITV's political editor Robert Peston and God?
God doesn't think he's Robert Peston.
George Bush was asked today, what did he think of the Credit Crunch?
He replied that it was his favourite breakfast cereal.
What's the capital of Greece?
The perfect husband joke
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A mobile on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2016 models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: " How much ?"
Woman: " £90,000"
Man: "Really, go for it? But at that price make sure you get it with all the options!"
Woman: "Thank you honey" Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market"
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer."
Woman: "They're asking £185,000."
Man: " Go ahead and give them an offer of £160,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra £25,000 because it's really what you want."
Woman: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"